The Pathetic Exploits of Teen Snape
by SmileVampy
Summary: A collection of humorous one-shots and vignettes starring your favorite Potions Master and his fruity friend Lucius in their Hogwarts years. R&R, please. Chapter 2: Snape becomes a man... or something...
1. Side Effects Include

A/N: Hello! My name is SmileVampy. Although some of you might know me from other catagories, I'm relatively an unknown in the realm of Harry Potter fanfic. But I hope to change all that, starting with this. I present to you...

**The Pathetic Exploits of Teen Snape**

Rated for: Mild swearing, sexual innuendo, implied slash, testosterone...

DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter franchise is not mine...Teenage Snape is handcuffed to my bed because he _is_ mine...

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**Side Effects Include…**

Snape and Lucius were lounging around the Slytherin common room. On a sudden whim, Snape took a compact mirror out of his robes. Flipping it open, he looked at himself and ran a finger down his nose.

"I think I might have an oily complexion," he said, turning to the other boy.

"You wanker," Lucius scoffed, chewing the tip of his wand rather idly, "your face is always greasy."

Snape sniffled quite loudly. "It's probably the reason nobody loves me."

Lucius put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Noooo… nobody loves you because you're freaky looking… and your nose is quite large," he added as an afterthought.

A fat tear rolled down Snape's cheek. Lucius wiped it away with a slender, well-manicured finger.

"But," he said soothingly, "I know a way to fix it."

Snape blinked. "What, my nose?"

"No, I'm afraid you're stuck with that honker of yours," Lucius chuckled. "I was talking about your greasiness."

"Oh."

Lucius grinned mischievously. "Bubotuber pus."

Snape made a face. "Sounds unpleasant."

"It smells a little funky, sure," Lucius shrugged. "But I'm telling you, Sev, it'll work wonders on that god-awful skin of yours." He stroked his own cheek, which was perfectly smooth and pale.

Young Snape was excited at the prospect of not being a "slimy greaseball" anymore, so later that day he went down to the infirmary at Hogwarts.

"Hello, Serverus," greeted a slender, youthful, well-proportioned Madame Pomfrey, "what can I do you for?"

"About ten Galleons," Snape muttered under his breath.

"What did you say?"

" Oh, um, do you think I could have some bubotuber pus?"

Madame Pomfrey giggled. "You teens and your greasiness." After a bit of searching, she handed him a vial of yellow gunk. "Use it wisely, Serverus."

That night, Snape applied the yellowish goo to his entire face. It smelled like . He went to slept after it had dried, and he had pleasant dreams about Lily Evans complimenting his perfect skin, then proceeding to shag him many, many times.

Oh yes, a very pleasant dream indeed.

The next morning, Snape washed off the bubotuber pus and, as promised, his face was unblemished and free of oil. As he traveled from class to class that day, Snape noticed that his fellow students reacted differently to him. They didn't throw him looks of disgust or revulsion like they used to. Granted, Potter the Prick and the Black Bastard still pretended to be violently ill when he passed by them in Potions, but that was to be expected.

During supper, some of the less attractive lasses winked in his general direction. He waved back at them; in Snape's eyes, a girl was a girl.

As he was walking back to the Slytherin dungeon to ready himself for slumber, Snape felt a small, girlish hand grasp his left buttock. He wanted to believe that he had been violated by Lily, but Snape suspected the culprit was a blond-haired someone whose name also began with an "L".

Snape made use of the bubotuber pus for about five days after that. But by the end of the week, he was feeling rather ill. He kept getting headaches, his stomach hurt… and his nightly fantasies didn't make him as "happy" as they used to. He wondered if it was all part of "growing up".

On the seventh night, Snape was laying on his bed in the boy's dormitory. He picked up the vial that Madame Pomfrey had given him and twirled it between his fingers, watching the revolting stuff slosh around inside the container.

Snape noticed some miniscule writing on the bottom of the vial. Not having seen it earlier, Snape turned it over, and read:

"Side effects may include: indigestion, migraines, epilepsy, loss of thumbs, loss of sanity, inverted spleen, stigmata of the nose…"

None of these symptoms struck Snape as peculiar…

But then he read the last line, and his jaw clattered to the floor in shock…

"Bubotuber pus is 95 percent likely to cause IMPOTENCE and EMASCULATION in unpopular teenage males."

Snape thought the warning was rather specific…

"Fuck this shit," he said sullenly as he tossed the bottle out the window.

_Fin_

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A/N: So what did you think? Love it, hate it, I want to hear some feedback! Everyone who pushes the purple button gets a Snape plushie... If I don't get at least one review, I just might not post the next section (which includes sunrises and black silk boxers) 

SmileVampy


	2. The Origin of Harry

**The Pathetic Exploits of Teen Snape**

A/N: Well, here is another mini story for you... It's even moreodd than the first... Snape plushies for Black-Eyed-Goth-Chic and henrietta-Black, who were my ONLY reviewers! This is quite sad...

Rated for: mild swearing, implied slash, and sexy/disturbing images (just read it...)

DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter empire is not mine... Ms. Rowling can keep her shoddy merchandise...

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**The Origin of "Harry"**

The sun rose in the east, and it's cheery glow somehow managed to reach Snape's four-poster bed in the Slytherin dungeons. It managed to wake him up, regardless.

Normally, young Snape would have shook his fist at the sun and make several offensive statements about it's mother. But not today…

Today was a good day.

He couldn't explain it, but Snape woke up feeling fresh and invigorated and… dare he say it?

"_Happy_."

Snape hopped out of bed and started to change into his Saturday robes. He had slid out of his black silk pajama top (not noticing that it was unbuttoned) and was about to remove his matching boxers, when he paused.

Could it be?

Snape poked at his torso.

It was!

Right between his pathetic excuses for pectoral muscles was a chest hair... his first!

Snape practically squealed with delight as he crept to the bed of one Lucius J. Malfoy.

"Psst… hey, Lucius…"

"Mmummffleflug," said the other boy as he rolled over onto his side.

"But Snape was not so easily ignored; he took to poking his friend in the eye. "Lucius," he whispered. "Loooo-ceee…"

"I swear, Daddy, I don't know how the tiara got stuck in my hair…" the blond mumbled.

Snape pinched Lucius' nose.

Lucius woke with a start. "Sev!" he sputtered breathlessly. "What the bloody hell are you doing in my bed!" He eyed Snape's black silk boxers and raised an eyebrow. "Not that I'm complaining, of course," he added hastily.

Snape grinned cheesily.

"Guess what?"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "What?"

"Look!" Snape pointed to his bare chest.

"I'm lookin' all right," Lucius said, the tinniest bit of drool running down his chin.

"I gots me a chest hair! I'm a real man now!"

Lucius shook his head and started to lie back down. "Come back when you've got some in the region of your crotch, Sev. Then we'll talk."

Snape pouted. "C'mon, mate. Aren't you happy for me? I know I am. Gee wizard, it's all happening so fast! Wait 'til I tell everyone! I wager all the girls will drool over me… especially Lily Evans…"

Lucius groaned in exasperation and covered his head with a pillow.

"Yeah, Lily likes 'em manly," Snape said dreamily. "She'll probably congratulate me on my masculinity by proceeding to shag me many, many times…"

"Sweet Merlin, spare me," Lucius whined.

Snape stopped for a moment to examine his "manly" chest. He frowned a bit. "You know, I always thought my body hair would end up the same color as the hair on my head…"

Lucius stirred.

"…but I guess not." Snape smiled again. "You might be long and blond, little guy, but I'm gonna treat you like my firstborn son."

"Wait a minute, Sev," Lucius said, his voice muffled by the pillow. "Did you say 'long and blond'?"

"Yeah, I did," Snape nodded. "I'm going to name him 'Harry', isn't that cute? I bet Lily likes that name…"

As Snape began another one of his usual ramblings, Lucius sat up and peered at his comrade's chest. With a smirk on his face, he used his thumb and forefinger to pluck the hair.

Snape gave a little scream. "Son of a BITCH!" He rubbed at the red spot where 'Harry' used to be. "Lucius, what the hell!"

"It wasn't your hair," Lucius said, tucking the strand behind his ear. "It was mine."

"What do you mean?"

Lucius sighed. "Not yours. Mine."

Oh-oh yeah?" Snape retorted rather lamely. "If you're so sure the hair's yours, then how come it was rooted in _my_ chest?"

"You're a heavy sleeper," Lucius shrugged. "Nothing wakes you up." He shot Snape a sly smile. "Not even extreme cuddling."

Snape's eyes grew wide with horror.

"You-you-you didn't…" he stammered.

"Oh, but I do," Lucius whispered, his fingers brushing Snape's leg. "At least once a week, in fact." He slid out of the bed and walked out of the dormitory. After a moment, Lucius poked his head back in, looking bemused. "Did you sleep well last night? I know I did."

And with a wink and a toss of his hair, he was gone.

Snape slunk back to his own bed and hid himself deep under the covers. He wasn't coming out until Monday.

The thing was, he _had_ slept pretty decent…

Snape cringed.

A nice, cleansing shower, that's what he needed…

He cringed again.

So much for the good day.

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A/N: Review, you know you want to... if not for me, then do it for Snape.. for he is unloved (waves plushie as bait) Come on...

SmileVampy


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